My Punishment
by tanikara kohitsuji
Summary: She hadn't meant to. She had panicked. But now he was gone. She needed to be punished... so why didn't anyone? *WARNING!* explicit character death and suicide! some hinted Sasusaku. And I hate to say this but please REVIEW!


Sakura couldn't believe she had come to this. When Sasuke had first left, sure she had considered suicide. She couldn't go through with it though. Because she took the time to think about all the people she would leave behind. So she had continued on, suffering.

But she had become Tsunade's apprentice. She had decided to train to become strong enough to bring Sasuke back. She had worked hard, surpassed everyone's expectations. She had conquered her weakness. When Naruto returned and Team 7 reformed, she had worked even harder to find Sasuke.

Sakura had realized it partway through their months of searching. Everything she did, even now, was ultimately for Sasuke's sake. She tried to get his attention with her hair. Given up her best friend for him. She had acted the part of a bimbo because even if he hated her for being that, he still was noticing her. She cut her hair for him, to save his life. Been beaten for his sake. She had gotten stronger to catch up with him so she wouldn't hold him back. But then she had tried to stop him. To keep him from the punishment traitors received. She may have failed but she promised herself that she would get him back. So she had trained to catch him, to be his equal. She defended him to Sai. She did everything she could to raise him up.

Sakura despised and loved herself for that fact. She hated the fact that she never worked for herself, that somehow her life revolved around that Uchiha. Yet she loved the fact that she loved him enough to do anything for him. She sacrificed everything for him the way lovers should for each other.

But he had never cared. Not once had he ever appreciated what she gave up for him. Sasuke didn't care what she did for his sake. Nothing would ever make her the only one in his heart. All her sacrifices, all her strides meant nothing to him. In his eyes, she was just an annoyance, an obstacle to his goals.

In the end, she had become the ultimate obstacle. Sakura could even now scarcely believe things had come to that. In the back of her mind, she had always known it was a possibility. She was smart. She knew there had never been a guarantee that Sasuke would return to Konohagakure alive.

She had just never faced it. She had lied, told herself that they could bring him back. She had continued to tell herself that lie until the end.

All the way until she had stabbed him in the back, dealt the fatal blow, she had refused to accept the possibility that he'd only return in a coffin. But she had been forced to face reality as he stumbled forward from her strike, the blade sticking out of his back.

Sakura cried at the sight. Trembled as she looked at her hands, the very hands that had murdered her only love. She had met his gaze as he stared at her.

"Sa…ku…ra," he had gasped. "You?"

The shock, the pure pain in his voice at her betrayal. Naruto's face contorting in anger.

"It was the only way," she replied, sobbing.

She had just stood by as the last Uchiha collapsed to the ground. Watched as his life faded out of those beautiful eyes of his. Looked on as his blood covered the ground.

She hadn't wanted to. But—Sasuke was about to kill Naruto. She had just acted. She couldn't lose another teammate so she had lashed out at Naruto's killer, protected Naruto. And the moment the kunai met flesh, she remembered whom she had decided to kill.

Sakura had let Naruto punch her, just as she had punched him all those times. Just stood there while his fist collided with her jaw. Let him beat her because she deserved it. She deserved his anger, his hate, his attacks. She had killed Sasuke after promising herself that she would bring him back to Konohagakure. She had slain her love with her own hand. She deserved to be beaten. No, even this wasn't punishment enough.

But he hadn't beaten her enough. Even though in his anger, Naruto had broken a rib or two, it still wasn't enough. Even though her own blood was mixing with Sasuke's, it still wasn't enough to kill the pain in her heart.

But Naruto had forgiven her after that, admitted she'd done the only thing she could. That it was better this way. Better that two of them live to see another day rather than one.

Tsunade had pardoned her as well. "You did your best. You had no other choice."

Why couldn't anyone see that she hadn't done her best?! She had panicked and made the wrong choice. She should have used a paralysis jutsu, anything else. Anything but that damned kunai!

Which was why she was sitting here now, holding that cursed kunai. Because she needed to be punished. Sakura Haruno, who had never been punished, who had always obeyed, done what she was supposed to, needed to be punished severely. She had committed the ultimate crime. She had betrayed herself, her heart. She had killed the only man she had loved. The only one she had wanted to share her life with, grow old with.

No one else would do it. No one would do what was required. So she had to.

It wasn't just that. Sakura couldn't face a world without Sasuke. Because for her, a world without him was worthless. The world was bland, colorless without him. He had been her purpose, her drive. Sasuke had been her everything. Now that he was gone for good, she couldn't keep going. It was too hard, too painful.

She wished she could turn back time, save him. Say she was sorry. Anything to keep Sasuke with her, even if he was still roaming around.

A tear fell off her cheek and hit the kunai's blade. She didn't know why she had grabbed it that day. After Naruto had stopped hitting her, she had stumbled over to Sasuke's corpse and yanked the kunai out of it. She had kept the damned kunai she had used to murder her beloved.

Sakura thought it only fitting that this be the kunai she used to kill herself. Because justice should be dealt, and how appropriate that the very kunai that upset the scales of the universe be the one to right them. It was necessary that Sasuke be avenged. This wasn't just her giving up on life. No, this was punishment. The ultimate one for her deed.

Sakura set the kunai aside for the moment and gazed at the scroll before her. She picked up the brush and dipped it in the ink. She carefully began her death poem. She spoke to each of her friends and family in it, apologized for leaving them, but assuring them that this was the only way she could atone for the blood on her hands.

Finished, she grabbed the cloth nearby and bound her knees together. In the end, she wanted to be dignified, modest. The way she should have been all along. She had become it somewhat with age. But in her last moments, she wanted to be like a princess. Someone everyone could respect.

She took up the kunai again then. With one hand, she unzipped her shirt to the bottom of her breasts. She chuckled at the thought that Sasuke had never gotten to see that she wasn't flat-chested anymore. Not that she was big as Tsunade, but she had curves now. But he had only seen her in her concealing mission outfit. A tear, then another and another until it was a constant flow soaked her lap. He'd never see again because of her.

She lifted the knife to her neck. Sakura found her jugular easily thanks to her medical training. She squeezed her eyes shut and cut it quickly. As the blood gushed out, she dropped the kunai.

She convulsed, and as she faded into unconsciousness, she remembered all the good times.

"I'm Haruno Sakura!"

The almost kiss. _He's just shy. _

"Sasuke-kun!" Crying over his pin cushioned body after the final battle against Haku and Zabuza. His groans as he came to. The unbridled joy in her heart at his return. Hugging him, relieved that he hadn't left her to face the world alone.

Him protecting her throughout the missions.

Defending him during the second part of the Chunin exams. Letting herself be punched time and time again. Cutting off her hair, losing her main hope for getting Sasuke to notice her. He liked girls with long hair, didn't he?

"Sakura. Who did this to you?" the cool anger in his voice as he looked at her bruised face. Watching as he broke that man's arms for hurting her. Screaming, running to stop him.

"Just stay out of it!"

Running to stop him from hurting Naruto. Throwing herself in between them.

"What are you doing here?"

"This is the only road out of the village."

His cold eyes, cold voice as he resumed walking, going by her like she was invisible. "You should go to bed."

Waiting, not saying anything until the tears started to roll down her cheeks. Only thinking, _Why? Why am I not enough to keep him here? Why won't he stay with me? Why does he have to leave? Why can't I stop him? Doesn't he see what he's doing to me? Doesn't he know he's breaking my heart?_

Voicing her thoughts, telling him to open up to her. That's all she wanted. To feel like he trusted her even the slightest. To let her go where no one else had gone. Even if it was just out of friendship, that was all right. It was a start. She just wanted to be special in his eyes. Even if it was just a special friend. She could live with that. So long as he noticed her, believed she wouldn't hurt him.

"It's none of your concern." The slightest heat creeping into his tone.

The bitter smile he couldn't see. "I know you hate me." Admitting the truth. He hated her. Would never love, never care for her as anything, even a friend. He didn't like short hair. He liked long hair. He had treated her like dirt and she—she hadn't even cared. Because at least he had spent time with her. What a fool she had been.

He would never like her. He liked long hair; hers was short.

But she had grown and cut it for him.

But it didn't matter to him.

"You're annoying."

Breaking her heart that first day together. Feeling the pain of his words, the only words in the world that she truly cared about, that truly mattered to her. Hearing them echo in her ears, cut her over and over.

The renewed pain as he denied the incident. Trying to assure herself that he was just protecting her. He was considering her feelings, right? He wanted to make this easier, less painful.

Pleading with him to reconsider. "Seeking revenge… that won't bring anyone happiness." _Just remember the good parts of the past. Don't remember the massacre. Stay here. Forget about Itachi. Let me take his spot as the most important thing in your life. Let me be the reason you live._

His refusal. God, it hurt to hear him say that. Because she heard what he didn't say. "You can never have a place in my heart. You'll never get to have this."

Her explosion of desperation. _Don't leave me alone! Please, I'll do anything! But don't take away the only thing that matters to me! Don't let him go! Don't take away my reason to live! Let me live in a world of color! Don't force me to live without him! Please!_

"If you were gone, Sasuke-kun, for me… that would be the same thing as being all alone."

It had been. It still was. She had killed him and known it to be true. She had died inside when he hit the ground.

His response. "Each of us has a new path before us." In truth, he meant, "Move on. I'm not for you. I never was."

Playing her last card. Confessing her undying, unwavering love for him. Her reason for existence. The reason why she had worked, why she had let herself be beaten nearly senseless. The reason why she had tried to keep him safe, to keep Orochimaru's temptation at bay.

"I'll do anything for you, Sasuke-kun, so please! I'm begging you, don't walk away!"

_I'll do anything for you, Sasuke-kun, so please! I'm begging you, don't die! Don't give up on life! Fight death tooth and nail like you did with Naruto! Come on! Don't wimp out now! If it were Naruto who did it, or Sai, or Itachi, or anyone else you would fight to stay alive! So why is it that when I do it… you just throw in the towel without hesitation? Why are you so willing to leave me alone and heartbroken?_

And he left.

Sasuke collapsed, his heart slowing. It was all a blur now. Had she screamed? Had she repeated the words she had said that night when he left Konohagakure?

"Don't leave me! If you go, I'll scream!"

Had she said that as he gave up on life? Had he answered back with his last breath? Had he said the words she longed to hear?

"Sorry, Sakura. But… it's time for me to go. Just know this: I love you."

Had he said that? Or did she just want to believe he had? Like she had wanted to believe he would when she threatened to scream that night.

"Sakura, thank you."

She knew no more then.

"Sakura?" Naruto approached the seated kunoichi. _She seems awfully still. Weird. She would've faced me or yelled at me by now usually. Is that—_

The orange ninja raced closer and grabbed her shoulder. Her bloody shoulder. He stumbled away, shaking his head, as he took in the slit on her neck, the bound knees, the blood all over her. His pain came out in a gut-wrenching sob that half the village heard.

"SAKURA!"


End file.
